Bad habits die, hard.

1324994535383_7705756Habit: a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up.

I drank, a lot. I smoked cigarettes, enough. I had sex, a lot. Drinking, smoking and sex aren’t inherently destructive. For some, each, in moderation, proves to be relieving and enhancing to the living experience. Though, when I drank heavy every night, smoked with each drink and added sex to the mix, enhancements became coping mechanisms.

I didn’t want to be a heavy drinker, smoker or uummm [Just realized there are only derogatory terms for people who enjoy sex.] I’ll go with luvah. The luving was my own passion. Drinking and smoking was as social as dancing and talking in my city. From age 15 most parties included alcohol. My local party store assumed I was older and sold my friends and I liquor with no issue. We looked older but the arabs wouldn’t see us as kids they saw us as $customers$.

By 20 I had a schedule: ;# of drinks

Thursday: Cabaret or friend of a friends house;  2-3
Friday: Clutch Cargos & Numbers or Inuendo; 4-6
Saturday: 112 (Canada) this group of friends smoked; 5-7
Sunday: local bar, Starters or 313; 4-6
Monday: poetry or lounge; 1-2
Tuesday: local bar (always a birthday party);2-3
Wednesday: Watt’s, UBQ’s or Henry’s; 3-5

Most of these nights I didn’t drive and made it home safely with my dignity and body in tact. I went to work everyday (retail) scheduled, school and slept a good 8 and found the time to foster romantic relationships with women and men.

I was consuming at least 1200 calories in alcohol and slept it off during most of my free time. I made poor food choices in the process. My weight increased. I ate fast-food almost daily, a Whopper Jr. with bacon or  Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger and fries,  washed down with a vanilla shake. I ate coney after the bar/club on heavy drinking nights. Chilli cheese fries with ketchup and a Coke to relieve expected indigestion. I was in a cycle/rut. Drink, eat, fuck, smoke, repeat. I was going nowhere and wasting money in the process.

My decision making process for the men and women I slept with were the same as my food: fast, cheap and filling. I avoided pregnancy and STD’s but I didn’t build any real relationships. I didn’t have time to get lonely because there was always something to fill the void, alcohol and sex.

Even on road trips and vacations my habits were the same with the exception of different places. Almost always a titty bar (strip club) was in the mix with free alcohol, smoking and of course sex.

Fastforward: I’m 30, just out of the hospital, broke, student loan & medical debt with no degree, moving back in with my Mother who hates my cat, 252 lbs and still drinking, eating, fucking and smoking. I fell out with my Mother because she didn’t have the grace to tell me I was fucking up in a loving way. So before I knew it I was living on Hamilton and Burlingame in a friends’ friends’ empty rental with no fridge or stove and a walk up window trap house across the street.

This was my bottom. I had no car, I applied for jobs at the library which a few times I had to walk 6 miles to because I didn’t have bus money, and no phone service. I did have my journal, a pair of air max’s with holes, an ebt card, an old iPhone and some determination. By the time I was on Burlingame I was celibate for 4 months, sober for 5 and a non smoker for 7. I didn’t have bus money consistently to see my psychiatrist so I was off my anti-depressants, anti-psychotics and blood pressure meds. I began running and journaling everyday. This was my medicine and therapy.

After 2 months on Burlingame I got my shit together. Lost 35 lbs, got a great job and moved to Lansing. Lansing came with a social circle that drank and partied but in less frequency. As the circle grew, so did social activities and before I knew it there was a reason and invitation to be out every night of the week. The cycle was too familiar. I drank, slept in, ran less, journaled less, went to work and ate out. I gained no weight but I wasted money on overpriced food and drinks. I was too drained to run. Too lazy to cook. So, I began to decline invitations. I risked my new found social circle being offended but honestly no one was living with me on Burlingame and for no one would I go back.

It was all fun, the drinking, the sex and the smoking after sex  but I also had 2 cars repossessed, a horrible relationship with my Mother, evicted several times, no savings, and horrible mental issues because I lost balance. Without balance smoking, drinking and sex become bad habits for me, that die hard.

 

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