From the moment I put that tape in my VCR I knew I was getting something that would excite me. Something that wouldn’t bore me like the rest of my 12 year old friends.
I was 13, basically a grown woman. I had lumps and humps and I had that bothersome brawd that liked to jack my back up and mess up my bed once a month so I was a whole woman, basically, right?
Didn’t matter, I had them feelings, them physical feelings. I knew it wasn’t right for my age but I didn’t care. My body knew what it wanted and I knew this tape I got out my parents cabinet was the closest thing I’d get to it. I’d had the moments at midnight watching skin-a-max and show-time but this was XXX-splicit, Full Frontal. Pandora’s box was WIDE open. NOTHING to be left to the imagination
I saw. I liked. I came.
I watched the tape over and over for the next year until my momma found it. I got sloppy one day and napped after the fap without stopping the tape. Nothing went to sleep on its on back then, except me. But she never saw the ladies I watched diving only boring hetero hammering so the conversation was limited to scolding and why it was inappropriate. With a dash of religious purity to guilt me, but I KNEW I enjoyed what I saw. It wasn’t new, not even taboo.
I wanted a woman. Not just a fem either. Tall, thin, fat, thick, white, brown, black. A nice set of lips and hips and I was hooked. I didn’t show it but I never had to hide it either. Going to an all girl high school came with perks. My new friends could slide thru without question. I kept a skirt on hand, I liked my boyfriends but they just were too hard sometimes. I liked softness. I liked men and women.
My sexuality did not need discovery. It was
Not a question
Not a conflict
Not a debate
Not a fight
Not a family intervention
Not a ritual or prayer
Not a protest
Not a cry out
Just another tween watching porn they found and snuck to watch.
So when asked about the moment I found my sexuality I say,
it just was.